“I am Kurai , I am a demon , I kill things , I cause shit to happen and I Like it , perhaps I do have a death wish , but to kill me would take a great deal of effort if I had all of my powers . So I do small shit , mess with humans , make their life hell , particularly one , she is my focus , i am always hovering just out of her field of vision , waiting for my opportunities ,waiting to strike , I have enjoyed pushing her beyond her endurance until she nearly died , at my hands I am proud to say , I have enjoyed throwing obstacles in her way that make her question her sanity and take away her peace of mind , I believe I have excelled in pushing her to the limits of human endurance , but I am not done yet , if you bitches think I am done you are fools, did Michelangelo quit while painting the Sistine chapel , no , he finished that bitch , did Benjamin Franklin drag that kite out of the sky before discovering the power of lightning , NO , he let that bitch fry and so will I …. “
In my mind , Kurai is the cancer in Mel’s life , very like the looming fear of cancer returning is in mine , Mel struggles with her mortality , she fears dying after being pressed to the brink by Kurai , she used to be brave , she used to be carefree , so was I , I used to be , not that I think my cancer will come back , but that fear , always hovering just in the background , causing my mind to wander to awful places , is like Kurai , hovering in the background of Mel’s life , just waiting to make her life Hell …. and like her ,my mortality is always on my mind.
one of my escapes is RP stories where I can play this out , too deep ? Yes it is way deep and maybe just plays in my own head most of the time , but it’s a way to cope , something that has helped me get through , I don’t say much about my fears ,people think I am brave , but I really am not , but to play those fears out in a creative way helps more than anyone can imagine , my therapist told me , keep doing it , if that works for you and it does , because before there were nothing but panic attack’s almost every day , which led to little sleep , which led to more problems .So I am more than grateful for this escape . In RP’s I have done in the past , this was also true , but back then my worries were just that , panic attacks and depression. , which is an awful cancer of the mind . Those who suffer will understand that statement . This is why I get so emotional at times when I can’t RP and also constantly worry I will annoy people I RP with and they will stop and I will lose that escape again , I truly need it , it means so much to me , never realized until I got it back , how much I missed it and needed it , so I am very grateful and worry about losing it again ..all the time ..
There are certain characters Mel clings to for strength , characters that are stronger than her , braver than her and that take care of her in the ways she needs . I also tend to cling to the people I RP with because I appreciate and need them very much . They are as much a source of strength for me as those certain characters are for Mel .
Everyone needs a safe haven in a storm and that is what these characters and RP are for me ,my safe haven in a storm , my way to escape ..